The Power Within

It's been a year now, into my optimism makeover project and I don't mind admitting I am exhausted. This business of looking deeply (or sometimes shallowly) into my soul and figuring out the thing that needs fixing, the thing that will transform me from an irritating buzz kill into a popular happy person--well, sometimes it just drains me. There's no other way to put it.
Today, for example, I was going to write all about Iyanla Vanzant and the advice she gives in the book Tapping the power within: A path to self-empowerment for women. Vanzant is a famous inspirational speaker and coach who was a regular on Oprah, apparently. (Here is her web site.) Since I never watch daytime TV--except to scare myself to death by checking in on the stock market from time to time or to nauseate myself by watching the politicians go at it on CSPAN--I'd never heard of her.
But apparently she's quite famous and her books are best sellers.
When I searched the library catalog a couple of weeks ago for another advice book, I admit I was in a bit of a funny mood. It was Vanzant's title that got me hooked. The Power Within. The first thing I thought, no disrespect to Vanzant, of was this:



Good old Spongebob. He always cheers me up, I thought. So maybe it's a sign.
Which isn't a bad way to be thinking, because Ms. Vanzant does put a lot of faith in signs and visions she's had over the years.
Iyanla Vanzant is a Yoruba priestess. Yoruba originated in Africa and is a culture, a religion and a philosophy emphasizing spiritual balance. Vanzant writes that Christians often misunderstand some of the things she teaches, fearing that she's leading people into an anti-Christian philosophy, when in fact, the two are compatible.
So far, so good.
Then I started reading it and...wow. I can see how conservative Christians would be a little freaked out. An early chapter deals with prayers calling on the names of ancestors, which of course gets people all scared about ancestor worship, which Christians don't generally do. But--and she takes care to explain this also--this is not the same as worship. It's just honoring and remembering the ancestor and perhaps asking his/her spirit for a little guidance. She also gives instructions for building traditional altars in the home for the ancestors.
Later on, there's an extensive description of the traditional way to "bless your head" every morning (or at least once a week.) There are at least twelve steps to this. This is followed by instructions for five different kinds of breathing exercises. These don't seem odd to me, mainly because we've done some of them in yoga.
If you can develop the self discipline to do all that, then you also can probably do the "mirror of self" exercise where you light some candles in a darkened room in front of a mirror and concentrate on seeing your true self. I find that one terrifying.
And then there are chapters on meditation, affirmation and forgiveness. One forgiveness exercise has you writing, each morning, forgiveness 35 times (perhaps to 35 different people, perhaps not). Then in the evening, you write 35 times that you forgive yourself. Repeat seven days. If you miss a day, you have to start over.
I want to try some of these things, I really do. But it's just overwhelming, to look at it all. And I really wonder if I'm up to it, this task of rearranging my attitude. The more I look at it, the more it sounds imprisoning, not liberating. It feels like when you have a car with a little minor vibration and you bring it in and the mechanic says you need to leave it for at least a week for major overhauls to three systems. There's just too much wrong with it for it to be fixable in an afternoon.
Instead of fixing myself, I feel like I really need a day just to say I'm okay, really, and to learn to stop feeling so guilty over my lack of financial contribution to our family. But...wait...there is actually an exercise on self acceptance.
So okay, Iyanla. It's back on. Maybe, though, I'll just do your self-help exercises one at a time.