Is Hate More Powerful than Love?

Is it? Is hate more powerful than love?
It's a question I've been wrestling with a lot lately.
Had you asked me this question in my early 20s (and no doubt someone did. It would have been introduced at a party and talked about for hours. That's just how some parties were...) I would have said no. No hesitation. But with every passing year of life experience, the arrow on the agree-or-disagree meter has moved slowly toward "agree."
This is not cynicism. It's just coming to terms with facts.
Hate is easy.
Anyone who's flitted, cruised or lurked around the Internet knows this. Personal attacks, either through web sites or anonymous comments, abound. (Here's a Newsweek story, with my obligatory plug to subscribe.) When there's no chance of repercussion, people think nothing of putting up horrible, damaging things. Because we are none of us real on the Internet. We are only a collection of pixels.
I also think hate is ingrained from an evolutionary standpoint. From my position as an observer of science (I'm a blogger. I have no actual expertise in science. That doesn't stop me, though because remember, I'm a blogger.) I'd bet that we needed the instant rush of anger to protect ourselves from danger.
I know that's how it is with me. Throw an insult at me or my family and, in my mind, I'm whirling around and jabbing upwards with that broken bottle. I am so there, so living in that place. Even thinking about it, hours later.
Hate is more powerful. It has to be. It's the only explanation for the success of wildly fluffy stories of the "chicken soup" variety. You just have to try so much harder to find examples of love.
So the question is how, as an aspiring optimist, will I deal with that?
...................
Long, long pause.
Apparently, I don't know the answer. So I'll just leave it at that.
Here's a memorable clip from Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing. Take note of the background music.

Lift Up Your Voice

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the maiden broadcast of the Comfort Music station. Well, I can't call it that because there already is a Comfort Music, a Comfort Music blog about Comfort Radio, which is dedicated to sharing music from the Burning Man gathering of 2003. Then, of course, there's the company Comfort Music. Which is funeral-music oriented.
So maybe forget the word "comfort," even though that is exactly what it is.
When hard times hit, people turn to music. Music therapy can help people with certain disorders (UMKC offers a major in music therapy). But in the lower case version of music therapy, you plug in your ear pieces and tune in. (Check out this precious "how to" from wikiHow. I think everybody reading probably knows the Watchtower piece, so here's a little sample of the Mussgorsky)





Can you--or should you--think of music as a tool to built optimism? My grandparents always did. Whenever I practiced piano, they would always praise the happy, bouyant pieces. One of their gifts to me was a big collection of lead sheets for their favorite stuff: Little Brown Jug, Happy Days are Here Again, Sunny Side of the Street. No matter how I worked on the Chopin nocturnes, it was always these songs they wanted.
Of course my preference was for anything dark and minor with lots of chromaticism and a soft ending. I always resented that they didn't like this. But then depression runs in my family, so I suppose to them the happy music was a kind of folk tonic.
My teenage struggles drove me to expression through sad music. But in a way, wasn't the music also shaping my perception of life?
As hard times are upon my family, I am now interested in persuing this question. Up-tempo music helps me get through my long runs. Maybe it will also help me even out the rollercoaster highs (see last Wednesdays post) with the can't-get-out-of-bed-why-am-I-always-tearing-up lows.
So here, for your listening pleasure, is some comforting music. Let's see if it helps. The first offerings come from my grandparents' play list:





And here is a version of a song that never fails to make me feel better.



I plan on making this a continuing feature, but I'd like your help. If you have a favorite uplifting song, please send a message, either through comments or on the contact link on my profile and we'll make it a community effort.

The Numbers Crunch

The April unemployment figures came out Friday, and even made the rolls of some of those "good news" web sites over the weekend.
Just to show you how much lower the bar is this month than it was six months ago for the all important feel-good story.
Although unemployment has reached 8.9 percent and 539,000 jobs were lost, some economists are saying that's cause for optimism. And why? Because 539,000 jobs lost is so much better than the 620,000 projected, or the 699,000 jobs lost in March.
I've gotta hand it to these guys. This is a feat of positive thinking I don't think I'm ever going to be capable of.
The argument is that a lower-than-expected number, plus other positive news in housing, etc., are signs that the economy is turning some kind of corner, and that the worst may be over. That may be true for some, but I bet it doesn't feel so great for the 539,000 people who have lost their jobs.
I bet those people, plus those of us who are still reeling from drastic pay cuts, feel a little twinge of panic when they hear talk about the worst being over or the bottom being hit. How long before the people who still have a livelihood start saying that the recession is over and the economy is growing? How long before all those long-term unemployed, and those older workers with not enough life left to bounce back, are forgotten?
We've seen it before. The last recession, after the terrorist attack, for instance. Before you knew it, the stock market was back and people supposedly in the know were mystified as to why the general population didn't feel better about the economy.
Short answer: Wages and jobs never came back along with the market. These people saw their finances stagnate, or worse, lag behind as pensions and health care benefits were cut.
This speaks to my number-one rule of optimistic thinking (yes, I now have "rules." Keep a lookout for my self-published book someday.)
That is: Never use "it could always be worse" as a positive thinking crutch. "It could always be worse" may make you feel better, but it also makes you smug and lulls you into complacency. As long as you're thinking "it could always be worse," you're probably not worrying enough to make the changes needed to protect yourself.
As for myself, I don't concede any optimism to such a cruel number as 539,000 for one month alone. Ask me again when wages go up so the average person can buy the things they need.

The Republic of Happy

Turns out one of the side effects of more optimism is less desire and time to post blogs on optimism. This week, anyway, I haven't felt the need to obsess on it quite as much.
Wednesday, I wrote about the positive things happening in our lives--the book, the increase in student referrals. So there's that, taking some formerly free time.
Then, as Mike's new paycheck becomes stabilized (we had to do some adjusting for taxes) and as we negotiate with the banks on our college loan payments, it's beginning to look like we won't go down the tubes right away, at least. A year from now, things might be different. But at least temporarily, we can pay our electricity, mortgage and heat and still have some left over for groceries. Scary though it may be, it looks like we can put that worry aside for now and concentrate on improving our income outlook for when those loan forbearances expire.
The end result: I haven't been as focused on seeking out optimism this week. As a result, I find I've missed a potentially good TV special about optimism and Michael J. Fox.
Fox, whom everyone surely knows has had Parkinson's Disease for about 20 years, hosted a show called Adventures of an Incurable Optimist on ABC. And no, it wasn't just another maudlin show about beating the odds on the disease. It was something deeper. Fox interviewed people--sick and well, celebrities and ordinary, American and from other countries--about the nature of optimism.
At least I think that's what was on it. That's what the various Internet reports said. I don't watch much network TV, so missed any promos mentioning it. At this point, I haven't been able to find a scheduled repeat or any sign of it on Hulu or YouTube.
It sounded interesting, though. If it clued me in on ways to be more reliably happy, I'd watch it with the recorder on and notebook in hand. Fox also has a book Always Looking Up, on the same theme, which I hadn't heard of. It will be a while before I can review it here, though, because I'm 154th in the library's queue (we're on a budget, remember?).
One interesting thing I picked up from reading the online accounts: The Himalayan country of Bhutan has an state policy on happiness. In every decision, the government of Bhutan must consider whether it's action will promote the happiness of its people. So if traffic lights, for example, frustrate the populace, the government goes back to a human traffic cop instead. (BBC slide show report here)
Here's the interesting, yet ironic thing. Bhutan only allowed television and the Internet into the country in 1999. Apparently, it's rulers felt these media were not sufficiently happiness-inducing.
Can't say that I disagree. But it means they would have missed Fox's special on optimism.
I don't know how Bhutan arrives at it's views on what is or isn't happiness inspiring. I suppose it helps if you have a monarchy. It's been 10 years now. I'd like to know how access to reality television and the blogosphere have impacted the "Gross Domestic Happiness."
Ooh. I feel a grant proposal coming on.

Happy Thoughts

It's Day Five of the new positive meditation regimen (see previous post).
A mere three minutes a day to reflect only on positive thoughts. And how's it going so far?
Glad you asked. Here's a summary:
Saturday--forgot.
Sunday--forgot.
Monday--forgot.
Tuesday--remembered for a few minutes but later...forgot.
Which brings us to today. So far, in fact right up until the minute I looked at this blank form and wondered, "What shall I post on?" I had forgotten. I guess this would be an opportunity for a little accountability.
So I'm going to do the meditation right now, in real time, as I write. I've always thought of writing as a meditative act, so let me just go get my timer.
Okay. Go.

Hmmm. Well, I just finished reading an online Newsweek article (we subscribe, you should too) about the dark side of the Internet, and how anonymity allows people to send horrific messages to each other and speaking of that, yes, I've felt a little of that dark side and...
Hold it, hold it. This is not positive. This is the opposite of positive. Try again.
Okay. Running. I went running today. Through the park and it was nice out. Looking at the park gave me ideas for garden blog posts and that will help the book.
Yes! There it is! The garden book is a positive thing. Mike and I signed a deal recently to put our 24 years experience into a yet to be titled book that will be out around Christmas time and hopefully making us money shortly after that. So yes. The book is positi....
Oh, dang. There goes the timer. That's how much writing I can get in in three minutes, leaving the typo fixing and spell checking for later.
But I'm on a roll here, so may as well keep up with the positive flow. Maybe I have more than three minutes of optimism in me after all.
The garden book and blog have been a lot of fun so far. In fact, we got a scoop on the creation of a kitchen garden at the Missouri governor's mansion similar to the one at the White House. (That is to say, it's a vegetable garden and it's on the residential grounds of an executive officeholder.)
Right now I'm revisiting some of our more spectacular garden flops for the "experiments gone horribly wrong" chapter.
It seems other aspects of life are also improving. I've gotten a few more calls from prospective piano students. I've applied for a couple of jobs (although one turned out to be just a way to get you to list yourself on Monster.com). So that whole process is beginning to lose its scariness.
And the past few days, I've come up with idea after idea (coincidentally, I've also been having terrible nightmares the past few days. Is this connected?) For example, I've jotted down hooks for three possible songs, come up with an idea to market some electronic music I already have out there, and have plans for a piano piece. Now I need more time to do them, because the extra students and garden book are taking more of my time.
All of that has to be positive, doesn't it? It seems the ideas always come easier when I'm extra busy. I wonder if my brain doesn't fear failure as much when each idea is just one of a huge group. Psychology thesis topic, anyone?
Wow. And all that without, really, doing the meditation I promised Friday. Maybe I should see what happens if I actually follow through on that.

Happy Go Lucky

Rain. Clouds. Cool weather. Resume writing. Job hunting. Our newly tightened budget. After days and days of this, we were looking desperately for something to cheer us up.
What we found was movies. Two movies, specifically.
And they did cheer us up. Just not for the reasons you'd think.
We depend on movies to transport us--however temporarily--from the problems we've dealt with all week. Usually this means letting Netflix send us whatever turns up at the top of the queue (What. You didn't think we could afford to go out to see them?)
A week ago, that didn't work out so well. We ended up with The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (based on a true story about a guy whose stroke left him almost completely paralyzed but his mind intact. He had just enough time to blink his way through a book before he died.) And The Orphanage, a sad ghost story about love and revenge from beyond. It ends with a suicide.
So, yeah. We had to do better than that.

I went through the queue and found one called Happy Go Lucky. The synopsis said it was about an irrepressibly sunny elementary school teacher--and it was a comedy. Maybe it would give us a lift, I thought. Either way, I could write about it here.
Happy Go Lucky, directed by Mike Leigh, is about a perky, friendly 30-something woman named Poppy (Sally Hawkins) who lives in London. She always tries to see the bright side in everything. So when her bike is stolen she doesn't brood about it, as I probably would, but immediately signs up for driving lessons. Her teacher, Scott (Eddie Marsan) turns out to be a racist woman hater brimming with anger over perceived slights and conspiracy theories.
He ends up being attracted to her, but this doesn't go the usual Hollywood route. She never returns his interest and their relationship ends with his explosion of violent jealousy and her complete rejection.
This was billed as a comedy but it wasn't, in fact, funny. Not in the "ha, ha" way. There are no sight gags, no gross outs. Not even much clever dialogue that you'd be able to quote. The most humor came from Scott's non-stop rants during the driving lessons. And they were more "amusing" than funny.
So why did this cheer me up?
For one thing, it didn't make fun of the optimistic main character. A main character with a positive attitude in a movie who is not also a ditz or a buffoon is as rare as a main character who is super smart and also happy. Look at A Beautiful Mind (brainy main character succumbs to mental illness) or Phenomenon (John Travolta suddenly becomes brilliant only to find out it's because he's dying of a brain tumor.) It just doesn't happen. If you're an optimist in a movie, you're either a member of a cult or some kind of flim-flam man.
In fact, fear of being made fun of is one big reason I've avoided the whole positive attitude thing. So it was comforting to see that an optimist can be seen as a good person by people in the creative community.
It also left me feeling good because it was a movie with a female lead that didn't end up being all about men.
There aren't many movies like that. In fact, I can't think of any. Even The Women, the George Cukor classic from 1939 with an all-female cast is really all about women trying to steal husbands or win them back.
Happy Go Lucky is the movie Cukor should have made. There are a few men thrown in, but the biggest character, the driving instructor, is not that important to Poppy's life. She isn't really paying attention to him. And her new boyfriend, while handsome, is more of a walk-on.
Instead, the screen is dominated by women. Working. Drinking. Taking flamenco lessons. Living their lives. This is so rare in movies that at times, I found myself marveling at the higher general pitch of the dialogue for extended periods of time. Maybe there's hope for the movie industry yet.
But I do go on.
The other movie we saw was O Brother Where Art Thou? We've seen it before, of course, but it was on TV. Its depiction of the Great Depression made me feel downright rich. Hey, at least we don't live in backwoods Mississippi on a failing dirt farm.
Might as well sing about it.

Good Times...Good Times

During the Great Depression, I've heard it said, there was a sense of brotherhood and community. People pitched in to help each other out.
At least this is what my grandparents, who lived in those times, used to tell me. Apparently everybody chipped in to help with crops, food, clothes and whatever they could for their neighbors.
So far, during this depression, or Great Recession or panic or whatever you want to call it, I've noticed just the opposite. On the Internet, various interest groups cackle over the misfortunes of others, from layoffs to swine flu. Instead of following that old piece of optimism advice (Count your blessings. It could always be worse.) most people dwell on how it could always have been better--if only the forces of the universe didn't screw them over.
I know that has been my own personal struggle. It would have been better if I hadn't stayed home with the kids; it would have been better if I had majored in engineering (could I still go back?) It would have been better if I had been born at a different time.
Of course, it's useless to think this way. Just as useless as it is to think about how much worse off other people are. Things can only be what they are and it's too late to go back now.
I hear it all around me, too. "I have no sympathy for (fill in your own category: laid of executives; the poor; other ethnic groups) They have it way better than I do."
So which is correct? Do we really pull together in hard times, or are all those Great Depression stories a lot of hooey? Or maybe they're true and we have changed so much for the worse as a country that we have no empathy left.
The old me doubts those feel-good Depression stories. People were always rotten and are no more so today.
But...but...maybe all this stuff about optimism is beginning to sink in a little. Or maybe it's the brain waves CD. I think there's another explanation: Both viewpoints are right. You pick your own belief.
Pessimists would automatically say what I just did. And optimists would dwell on the chicken-soupy stories because they automatically emphasize the good.
I'm not there yet, that's for sure. I've seen up close and personal how rotten some people can be, just for fun. It's going to take an intensive reprogramming to get myself to the point that I only remember the good. It's not going to come naturally.
So maybe I'll approach it like physical fitness, or laughing yoga or anything else. Maybe I'll force it.
New experiment. From now on I set aside 15 minutes...no, 5....no, 3 a day to meditate only on good and uplifting things. No unhappy childhood memories or malevolent revenge fantasies allowed. If they break through, I'll blast them away with rainbows and lemon drops.
I'll keep track of how I do. Maybe even a diary.
Tomorrow is another day.

Stumbled upon this video on YouTube which expresses my sentiments exactly. Apparently it's available on iTunes.