The Power Within

It's been a year now, into my optimism makeover project and I don't mind admitting I am exhausted. This business of looking deeply (or sometimes shallowly) into my soul and figuring out the thing that needs fixing, the thing that will transform me from an irritating buzz kill into a popular happy person--well, sometimes it just drains me. There's no other way to put it.
Today, for example, I was going to write all about Iyanla Vanzant and the advice she gives in the book Tapping the power within: A path to self-empowerment for women. Vanzant is a famous inspirational speaker and coach who was a regular on Oprah, apparently. (Here is her web site.) Since I never watch daytime TV--except to scare myself to death by checking in on the stock market from time to time or to nauseate myself by watching the politicians go at it on CSPAN--I'd never heard of her.
But apparently she's quite famous and her books are best sellers.
When I searched the library catalog a couple of weeks ago for another advice book, I admit I was in a bit of a funny mood. It was Vanzant's title that got me hooked. The Power Within. The first thing I thought, no disrespect to Vanzant, of was this:



Good old Spongebob. He always cheers me up, I thought. So maybe it's a sign.
Which isn't a bad way to be thinking, because Ms. Vanzant does put a lot of faith in signs and visions she's had over the years.
Iyanla Vanzant is a Yoruba priestess. Yoruba originated in Africa and is a culture, a religion and a philosophy emphasizing spiritual balance. Vanzant writes that Christians often misunderstand some of the things she teaches, fearing that she's leading people into an anti-Christian philosophy, when in fact, the two are compatible.
So far, so good.
Then I started reading it and...wow. I can see how conservative Christians would be a little freaked out. An early chapter deals with prayers calling on the names of ancestors, which of course gets people all scared about ancestor worship, which Christians don't generally do. But--and she takes care to explain this also--this is not the same as worship. It's just honoring and remembering the ancestor and perhaps asking his/her spirit for a little guidance. She also gives instructions for building traditional altars in the home for the ancestors.
Later on, there's an extensive description of the traditional way to "bless your head" every morning (or at least once a week.) There are at least twelve steps to this. This is followed by instructions for five different kinds of breathing exercises. These don't seem odd to me, mainly because we've done some of them in yoga.
If you can develop the self discipline to do all that, then you also can probably do the "mirror of self" exercise where you light some candles in a darkened room in front of a mirror and concentrate on seeing your true self. I find that one terrifying.
And then there are chapters on meditation, affirmation and forgiveness. One forgiveness exercise has you writing, each morning, forgiveness 35 times (perhaps to 35 different people, perhaps not). Then in the evening, you write 35 times that you forgive yourself. Repeat seven days. If you miss a day, you have to start over.
I want to try some of these things, I really do. But it's just overwhelming, to look at it all. And I really wonder if I'm up to it, this task of rearranging my attitude. The more I look at it, the more it sounds imprisoning, not liberating. It feels like when you have a car with a little minor vibration and you bring it in and the mechanic says you need to leave it for at least a week for major overhauls to three systems. There's just too much wrong with it for it to be fixable in an afternoon.
Instead of fixing myself, I feel like I really need a day just to say I'm okay, really, and to learn to stop feeling so guilty over my lack of financial contribution to our family. But...wait...there is actually an exercise on self acceptance.
So okay, Iyanla. It's back on. Maybe, though, I'll just do your self-help exercises one at a time.

Manifesto

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up exhausted after an endless dream about being trapped by a maniac killer. It was one of those nights when you wake up every 40 minutes or so, look at the clock and think, "2:30?! How can it only be 2:30? I've been dreaming this same dream for hours."
Then I looked at that damn New York Times again and--this is getting to be a recurring theme--I was completely drawn in by a story about laid-off families losing their homes and having to move in six to a motel room to get by. (Here's a link) These were formerly middle class families just like us who lost all income, were foreclosed or evicted and didn't have a good enough credit record to get an apartment. Now they're stuck because the high cost of the motel eats up every cent they have.
It wasn't so much the story, although that was bad enough. It was the picture. A girl about my daughter's age is lying on a motel bed crowded with the family's stuff, staring dejectedly into space. I just couldn't take my eyes off that picture. Even now, I can feel the tears forming behind my eyes when I think about it.
It didn't get any better as the day wore on. Later I was informed of a local blogger who ranted at length about how Mike should be fired from the Star, and how he links to the Star's reportage and cackles with glee at the paper's financial troubles.
And then, in the evening, we had to lend comfort to a family member with a career setback.
So I thought of writing yesterday, but I just didn't have it in me. I didn't have what it takes to put everything at arm's length and be humorous. Announcements are coming, maybe soon, about the layoffs and cutbacks. In the meantime, the whole notion of converting myself to an optimist seems ludicrous, impossible.
Today, though, is another day, and even though I don't feel like it, I am committed to not being a pessimist. So today seems like a good time to return to more serious fare.
Here's a site that gives a five-step approach to my problem. A, name the adversity. B, name the belief about the adversity that troubles you. C, name the consequence. D, dispute the negative belief and think of a more positive one. E, energize yourself with the more positive thought.
So okay.
Adversity--We don't know, but we strongly suspect we may soon be earning far less money than our budget calls for.
Belief--We'll be homeless and our kids will have no future. We'll be stuck at lower pay for years to come as inflation eats it all away. A serious illness will bankrupt us. Our daughter won't go to college. Our hardship will be mocked by obnoxious types who believe we deserve it because we are of inferior stock. Do I really need to go on?
Consequence--Wait. Haven't I just been going on about the consequence? I could add that as a result, the only thing my children will remember about me was that I was permanently depressed and never had any fun.
Dispute--Well, maybe by eliminating our 401k contribution, we'll survive without being tossed into the street. But the threat of inflation, medical bankruptcy, no college all seem real and reasonable enough. And the mocking. It's not hard to find people out there already with the mocking.
Even with the rosier picture (no layoff, pay cut dealt with) the Consequence seems all too possible. I truly could be remembered by my family as always depressed and never any fun because no matter how it all comes out, I'll never feel safe and secure again. And I don't want to be that.
So Energize--I can't think of anything here except that I'll have to try extra hard to not be always depressed. I thought that was the whole point of this little exercise. If I followed the steps, I'd feel better. Instead, it seems to be saying to me: Just try not to be depressed.

This doesn't seem to be helping.
So I'm going to abandon it and just distract myself, which seems always to work best.
Let's see.
Tomorrow begins spring break for my daughter. No more getting up at 6 a.m. for a whole week! I can get behind that thought.
Spring...I saw a forsythia almost in bloom today. It's cold now, but it is supposed to be warming up later in the week. So yay for that. That means our utilities will go down (at least they will if the state doesn't grant the huge rate increase they've asked for). And maybe I'll be able to plant some early garden during the break.
I'm one week closer to having the credit card paid off.
The Wizards season opens in just a week. And the tickets are paid up.
One more row and I will have the afghan done that I've been working since Christmas.
My daughter had a friend over for a couple of days this week while her parents were out of town. That made it necessary for them to practice together. So for one pleasant evening, I got to hear the violin/cello version of some of their orchestra pieces, plus some scales. And really, they can't take that away from me. We own the cello, the piano and the ability to make music, and those bastards whoever they are, who have done this to the economy cannot take that back.
Okay. Yeah, that does make me feel better, tedious though it may be to anyone reading it. And you know what? I do feel energized. In fact I feel energized in an angry sort of way. Who are these people, trading stocks and derivatives, who would take my fun away? Well, they don't get to.
Manifesto: I resolve that no matter what happens, we will not just have fun. We will have more fun. We will not just get by, we will live well. I will become completely and selfishly a fun seeker. And I will apologize to no one about putting our family's happiness first.