Forgiveness Part II

So I've finally finished the forgiveness exercise. Fi-------nal------ly!
Just to bring you up to date, the forgiveness exercise is offered by spiritual adviser and empowerment coach Iyanla Vanzant as a way to deal with anger and bad self esteem and, well, mostly anger. At least that's how I viewed it.
The advice comes from Vanzant's best-selling book, Tapping the Power Within....When I wrote about it last time, I was exhausted and convinced I would be too tired to try many of the ambitious spiritual exercises she proposed. I made an exception, though, for forgiveness because--it's just been that kind of year.
So I embarked on the 7-day-long project. In the morning, I would write sentences forgiving as many as 35 different people (but often, the same people many times. We'll get to that later.) In the evening, I would write forgiveness for myself 35 times.
I'll admit to being a pretty angry person. But all that anger is wearing me down. Mostly, I just didn't want to relive all the outrage (along with the flushed face and increased heart rate) each time I thought of a particular person.
Here's how I imagined the experiment unfolding: I would write and write and write, and at some point, I would have a catharsis. I would wander into a vivid daydream of previously inaccessible memories, pause my cramping left hand over the paper and weep. Yes, yes, Mrs. Peterson (my first grade teacher) I forgive you.
Of course, reality proved to be a bit different.
At first, it was fun. I had a long list of grievances with people going back all the way to childhood. For a day or two, there was nothing more fun than dredging up the outrageous and sometimes embarrassing memories and flinging those names down on paper. Yeah, butch. You're on my list.
But by day three, I was becoming bored with some of the names. To fill out the 35 required lines, I started putting in all kinds of people--celebrities, elected officials--who I feel I have a beef with but who've never heard of me. And corporations? Are corporations allowed? Doesn't the Supreme Court think of them as people?
By day five, I dropped this as too cute and possibly not in the spirit of the exercise. I began to think of magic patterns with the numbers. I would repeat certain offenders at certain intervals, according to lucky and unlucky belief systems. By the final day, I just picked my top five. These were people who I still feel anger at more than anyone else. I repeated their forgiveness sentences seven times. Not recommended by Vanzant, but it's Biblical.
All through this, my husband was trying hard to conceal that he was sneaking looks at my list. One day he just broke down and asked me, "Am I in there?" No, of course not.
Who were the offenders? Surprisingly, by the end of the exercise I'd dropped everyone who'd done me some personal wrong. The ones who remained were all people who'd made people in my family suffer. Because I hate watching my loved ones suffer.
I never felt the expected cathartic moment. I'm not even sure I experienced forgiveness. At least not the Jesus kind of moment where you hug and cry. Here's what I did feel. "Yes, I'm thinking of you, X. I'm naming you, calling you out, reducing you to a few inky scribbles beneath my enormous hand. I'm taking the power away from you and giving it back to me."
Not exactly forgiveness. But better. And better will have to do.

The Writing Cure

I still have work to do, according to Iyanla Vanzant. Quite a lot of work.
Last week, before things got busy with the garden show and books talks and recital, I wrote about Tapping the Power Within, an inspirational book from the self-help guru and Yoruba priestess famous for her association with Oprah Winfrey a few years back.
At the time, I was overwhelmed by the number of life-improving exercises Vanzant proposed that would, hopefully, change me from a dour and bitter pessimist into a more balanced and likable person. I was so overwhelmed that I decided just to put Vanzant's book aside for a while.
I didn't want to write it off altogether, though. That would be flippant and flippancy is the hallmark of a bad attitude. And that's something we want to change, don't we?
So as things quieted down, I revisited the book, looking for at least one spiritual exercise I could be sure I'd follow through on.
There, amidst the instructions on building home altars and blessing one's head, was one that seemed to call my name.
It was in the chapter on forgiveness.
I must admit, I'm a very bad forgiver. I can remember slights from years and years ago--all the way back to elementary school. And for me, it's an easy leap from remembering to re-experiencing the feelings (those unhealthy, life-shortening feelings, along with the increased heart rate and flushed face) of outrage and anger. Like it just happened yesterday.
Recurring rage is not a good thing, I think we all can agree. Just look at that guy who flew into the IRS offices in Austin yesterday. I've been that angry (though not at the government). Recently.
Sure, I know this is very, very bad of me. It's not like I'm trying to feel rage all over again. In some recent cases, I went to great lengths to mentally forgive people who've wronged my family. But when I think of those incidents again, it all comes back and I have to try and re-forgive them. I don't know why. It's like I need the anger for my self defense or something.
So anyway, the exercise. It's simple. In the morning, you number a paper one through 35 and write, "I, (your name) forgive (selected evildoer) totally and unconditionally." In the evening, you number to 35 again only this time write, "I, ____, forgive myself totally and unconditionally. I am free to move on to wholeness and completeness."
I know. Awesome, right? My own enemies list. I wondered, as I got out the first paper, whether 35 is really enough numbers.
The words flowed effortlessly. At first, certain names cropped up again and again (that's okay, according to Vanzant.). The most recent ones were people who have wronged my family. Then I started on those I felt wronged me. These were all people who had just turned around and been rotten for no reason I could see, then or now. There are an amazing number of them, really. I have to wonder: Am I doing something that telegraphs that I'd enjoy this kind of treatment? But I guess that's an exercise for another day.
I did, eventually, run out of names. Before I reached 35 in fact, which made me feel a little less like a bitter scold.
So far, this exercise does not feel much like forgiveness. It's more like saying a Hail Mary. "I forgive X totally and unconditionally, now and at the hour of our death with liberty and justice for all."
The second half, where you forgive yourself, is harder because it's wordier. And it happens at the end of the day, when you're tired.
Last night, for example, I was happily watching a little TV before bed when I remembered:I have to write those sentences 35 times. Oh, #$%!
Because, did I mention? If you mess up and forget, you have to start the whole thing over.
Today is day three. I have to say, the morning list is not as much fun. I'm a little bored with writing those same names over and over. To liven things up, I started throwing in people I'm angry with who have no knowledge of my existence.Some whose names I don't even know. George W. Bush. Jay Leno. The CEO of Goldman Sachs. Even Vanzant.
Is this allowed? I have no idea. I'm certain they need forgiving, though. (Except Vanzant. I just put her in to be cute.)
There are four more days to go in this project. So far, I don't feel any different. But it does make me wonder. Is there some poor soul out there doing this who has my name on the list?