Kowabunga!

Brain wave therapy is supposed to help me with my positive attitude problem. This I know from the claims on the web site of Kelly Howell. But after several hearings of the tape Positive Thinking, I wasn't feeling much different. I still had my rollercoaster emotions. I still woke up an hour early some mornings with cynicism and dread.
So I began to wonder if I was doing something wrong.
I went back to Howell's web site and as it turned out, yes. Yes I was.
My error had to do with Track 2. This track is the special track. It needs to be experienced on headphones, Ms. Howell says.
Aha!
So the next day, I set up my headphone listening experience.

I'll describe it in a second. But first a pause for a quick clarification. Most of the things I'm trying to improve my outlook are done because they sound like fun and might give me a good chuckle. Brain wave therapy falls into this category--because it sounds so crazy. But there is a reason to take it a little bit seriously.
The brain waves in question for this CD are theta waves. These are the type of waves said to be most active just as a person is most relaxed--in meditation, just before sleep and hypnosis. And since there's a lot of research out there suggesting meditation and hypnosis work, that's reason enough to put skepticism on temporary hold.

But enough academia. On to the therapeutic experience.
The headphone setup at our house is not what you'd call maximal for a brain wave tape. We do have phones, yes, but the cord is short. Ever since our recliner fell apart (and we didn't replace it) there's been no seat near enough. So my therapy had to take place on the floor next to the stereo.
I got myself set up with a pillow and some Flamin' Hot Cheetos and fired up the CD player.
Track 2, like the first one, starts out with a low, growly somewhat pulsating sound. Have you ever been on a large boat? A car ferry, perhaps? This just like what you get standing above the engines.
The low sound went on a bit, soon overlayered with some higher frequencies that were more in the form of traditional music. I decided to stop eating the Cheetos, since my crunching interefered with the sounds.
I turned up the bass until the engine thrumming began to feel like one of those massage chairs at Sharper Image (how I miss that store). The higher instrument began to play gently up and down my spine.
Ahhh. My spine...I began to feel that loose, silly feeling, just like I do when trying not to fall asleep during the commercial breaks of the Colbert Report.
From somewhere far away I heard a voice.
"Mom, who's your favorite sexiest celebrity?"
Huh? I cracked open my eyes. My daughter stood a few feet away.
"Mmmff. Go away. Brain waves." Damn Internet.
Back into the music. I tried to let myself sink in. Then the delightful bass sound abruptly cut completely out.
"The rest of us can hear this." It was my husband, turning the knob that silences the tape to the regular speakers.
I sat up instantly, trying to squelch the white-hot rage. Then flipped the knob back.
No chance, amigo. Must have my bass.
They left me alone after that and I sank back in. Higher frequencies came and went. And then...a human voice singing. "Ahh." Or something like that.
I felt a sensation on my neck. A pulling across my throat. I reached up...the headphone wire. The cat was playing with the headphone wire.
I waved her away. No matter what they say about pets and happiness, you have to watch out. Because cats will try to strangle you in your sleep.
A few minutes later the track ended. My arms and legs were so heavy, they could barely move. I had to wipe some drool off the side of my mouth.
Did it work? Who knows? Kelly (I call her Kelly now) says I need to listen every day for 4-6 weeks. But it really doesn't matter.
Because me likee.

This music reminded me somewhat of Continuum, by Vangelis. Here's a sample:

Want to try brain wave therapy here? Here's a YouTube clip:

Did you hear something?

I didn't know what to expect, exactly, from a book on tape that claimed to be "brain wave therapy."
Perhaps it would be a learned discussion of biofeedback or the latest research on brain scans. People are always watching which portions of the brain "light up" on scans when you remember this or that. In fact, researchers recently located two areas of the brain that become active with positive thoughts. They're now checking into what goes wrong with these spots when a person gets depressed. (Reuters story here.)
I just know the title appealed to me. Subliminal Success, by Kelly Howell (Random House Books on Tape, 2008). The collection includes three of CDs: Positive Thinking, Winning and Create Success.
Ah, here we go. If it's subliminal, maybe it will help me meditate. Meditation has also been said to be useful in creating a calm and successful life. Jerry Seinfeld even endorses it on the Maharishi University of Management web page.
Meditation is something I've always been colossally bad at. Yes, I know it's supposed to help you fight stress and keep your blood pressure lower. But every time I'm in a yoga class where there's meditation and we're all lying there listening to the calm music and trying to empty our minds, my music brain kicks in. This is what I'm usually thinking:
Okay, focus on the breath. Breathing in. Breathing out. Is that a pan flute? Do I hear a pan flute? Wonder what ever happened to Zamfir? Breathing in. Yes. Definitely pan flute. With some kind of...zither maybe. And some low tone. Didge? So okay, we have pan flute, zither-like stringed instrument, possibly a didge or something electronic and--hey, that little piano cascade was nice. And we're not going anywhere, just sticking with one-four-one for chords. New Age. Percussion has so many great instruments. Why don't they use--oh, is it time to sit up?

I opened up the case and popped in the CD I was most interested in. Positive Thinking. The music started with some growly low tones and built. I gathered this must be the introduction. In a few seconds, Ms. Howell would begin her positive attitude talk. Maybe the music would keep playing in the background to create a mood.
A few more second went by. Then a few minutes. I did some light chores while I waited. After five minutes, though, it became obvious that the new agey music with the bass growl and the tinkly piano was all I was going to hear.
What the...? Well, it's a library copy. Maybe someone swiped the talking part and this was just the sound track. The case was no help. It gave thumbnails of the CDs, plus basic information. Three compact discs. Three hours. Self help and health. "Read by Kelly Howell."
Is she supposed to be reading something? If so, it's at a volume so low that it can't be heard. And if it can't be heard, then how can it influence my positive attitude? Or maybe it's audible, but masked by the ever-present low tones. More than anything, I'd like to get my hands on her data files to see what's going on here.
My impression of subliminal messages has been that they are subtly hidden and not usually noticeable on first passing. But when you know they're there and you look for them, they reveal themselves. It's like Alfred Hitchcock. When you know where to look for him in his films, you can find him. He's not invisible.
No amount of fiddling with the bass and treble would reveal the voice of Kelly Howell, though. And here's another thing: What instruments did they use? Who wrote the music? Where was it recorded and mixed? And who played piano. No credits were evident. This bothers me a lot. Kelly Howell gets credit for "reading," which we can't hear. But none of the musicians--whom we can hear--rates a mention.

Most of all, I wondered, what is she saying? It's supposed to be about positive thinking but it could be anything. Worship the Devil. Or Kill a public figure. Or come find out more about Dianetics. And how would I ever know differently, until my trial?

I had to go to Howell's own web site to find out the basics.
Howell says she started Brain Sync about 20 years ago by making "reprogramming" tapes in her home. She now claims over 2 million audio programs in print from about 60 titles (that figure's from Amazon) She also says her work has been embraced by medical professionals.
Her tapes are organized by brain wave. Positive Thinking used the theta waves, which are the ones you feel just as you're about to go to sleep.
She also lists what the subliminal messages are. Positive Thinking includes: "I am optimistic; I feel great, I love my life; I am clear and lucid; I am lucky and I adjust effortlessly."
I couldn't find any musician credits on the site, though.

Well okey-dokey then. I've been a pessimist so long, maybe my brain is calcified. Maybe a little theta therapy is just what the doctor ordered. So I'm going to let Kelly get right into my cortex and work her magic fingers.
Did I mention I feel lucky?

Next: Riding the brain kahuna.

Oops. Almost forgot. Here's a pic of our new puppy, a German shepherd/lab mix from Animal Haven. His name's Einstein. Or possibly Waffles. Or Sluggo. But probably Einstein.