It really is all about spending

December 22? Has it really been that long since my last post?
Ahhh. The deliciousness of doing nothing!
The biggest reason I stopped writing over the Christmas break was that I really dreaded Christmas this year and put every Christmas chore off until the last possible minute. Result: No time left for blogging.
Truthfully, I expected the worst of the holidays. Everything I've read about depression suggests that the celebrations at the end of the calendar year draw out the gloom in people who are undergoing difficulties. I expected to be sad that we couldn't spend much getting people what they wanted. I expected to be angry at the events that brought our finances to where they are. I expected to be fearful of what the coming year will bring.
And yeah, there was some of all that. But for the most part, I was able to hold it together. None of those pesky surprise weeping sessions in public places. No outbursts of swearing at innocent family members. No panic attacks (well, OK. Maybe one.)
I thought all the expenses of the season would get me down because, Lord knows, we couldn't afford it.
Surprise, surprise. It turns out all that extra spending actually made me happy. Temporarily, at least.
To understand this, you have to know that even before the big job cutback, I pitched into emotional darkness like clockwork. Every other week. When I did the bills.
The system is this: Pay the bills, look at what's left for the next two weeks and then spend all my time until the next paycheck thinking how to eat less, use less heating/AC, have less fun. I stopped buying clothes and cosmetics for myself. I agonized over a cup of coffee from Starbucks as I waited for my daughter. Can I ever treat myself? Is it ever okay to spend money on fun when the budget is this tight? No. My debit card never comes out of my billfold without an extended self-lecture on my own failings.
But Christmas. I spent some. Then I spent a little more. Then a little more. It came out of our emergency fund, but never mind. It was for Christmas. For a few minutes, anyway, I felt like I was part of society, and it lifted my spirits.
That goes against just about every homey, chicken-soupy thing I've ever read about hard times. "We don't have much money, but we have our health. We have our family. We had better times singing songs around the piano than buying fancy gifts." That's what I'm supposed to have learned, isn't it? But in reality, it was the act of spending that cheered me up. It was all about the money after all.
The real lesson, I guess, is that there's such a thing as too much self discipline. (Hear that, Dave Ramsey?)
The other lesson: Craig's List. Seriously. We found a $35 television that has a great picture. So sorry, newspaper want ads.