Say #*!&$, Somebody

Holy %^#*ing p$^@#tion! It's a fine day for the %#$ers of the world when you get the news that #$*+ is as good as #%^ing. Truly, I don't know whether to !%$ or get a ^%(@.
There. That's better. I feel fine.
More pressing events of the past week kept me from posting about a delicious little item I came across about a study on swear words and health. By now, everyone's no doubt heard that British researchers have come up with a study that shows a well-timed cuss word can actually help ease physical pain. (Reports appeared numerous places. Here's one from Time.)
The study subjects were asked to hold a hand in ice water. Some were told to repeat an expletive while others repeated a neutral control word. The ones who swore showed more tolerance for pain, the study said.
But there's more. While looking up this study, I came across another saying researchers (again British) have found that swearing at the workplace--out of earshot of customers--improves morale and improves bonding amongst employees. Here's a link from the CBC. Note the site's promotion across the top of a street hockey event. Awesome!
Two general comments:
No s**t, sherlock. And
Great Britian's scientific community kicks a%^.
So let's do some math. Overpriced, underfunctioning health care system + sucky economy + mass depression in the workplace = SWEARING IS THE CURE FOR EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!

Those people at the health care town halls? The wild-eyed ones gesticulating and screaming? They're not crazoids, but brilliant health care innovators who have adapted to the lack of affordable care. The chanting and arm waving (meditation, aerobics) and the occasional swear word are not only stunting public debate as planned, they're a low-cost way of keeping the faithful healthy. (The addition of firearms was genius, pure genius. Can carrying a gun also relieve stress? Great Britain, I leave it to you.) Dick Cheney had it right, when he said "f*#@ you" to an opponent in the Senate. Look how many heart attacks he's survived.
And, ooh, here's an interesting question. If by swearing we push our heart rate up and initiate the "fight or flight" response we need for survival, does that mean that swearing actually causes beneficial chemicals in the body? And--stay with me here--would it then be possible to create a speech so larded with profanity that you could fall into a swoon of intoxicated ecstasy, thereby curing the drug trafficking problem? #$&%ing A! I feel a little woozy just thinking about it. How would I sign up for such a study?
Of course the study's authors had to put something in to bring me down, as they did with studies on benefits of chocolate and red wine. Don't overdo it, blah, blah, blah, too much searing could water down the original emotional impact, blah, blah, blah, more study is needed, yadda ya.
To which I say,
"B#$%@t!"