Yeeaaagghhhhh!!!!!!

It's been a little over three months since the quasi layoff. A quarter, in fiscal terms. Looking back, I think the part I was most unprepared for was the weird emotional ride we've been on.
Calling it a roller coaster would be a cliche. But it's an apt one. The first month or so, we were on the screaming downside for what seemed like forever. Then we did a correction with a long, slow bout of hopefulness. Then another correction to the downside for days and days of sleeplessness.
Gradually, our downs and ups are getting shorter and shallower, and that's a good thing, I hope. Still, it seems like, just when I think I've got my fear and despair under control, just when I can go to yoga without worrying that I might cry quietly into my ears during the shavasana, some little thing comes along and throws me off.
The latest was this week. Generally, the garden book and piano teaching have kept me busy enough not to ruminate on the bad things. I was able to put enough money aside so our son could have a birthday present (a bike, used, but still good). So it's been a relatively happy week.
Tuesday, I opened the mail and found a pleasant surprise. Aetna had sent us a $112 check for "overpayment" on Mike's life insurance (he now must pay quarterly because of the loss of that benefit.)
Great, I thought. That will go toward the $209 it will cost to enroll my daughter in public school. Or the $160 to pay for car tags, neither of which is in our operating budget any more.
But no. When Mike checked, he found that Aetna had taken his last payment and applied it only to the remaining months in their quarter, which for some reason is different from ours. So we will have to send it right back, plus some more, at the end of this month.
This, for some reason, made me furious. I spent the rest of the day frothing about the injustice of probably having to pay extra for Aetna to process these two payments, when one would have sufficed. Not to mention the brief glimmer of hope, which was so unceremoniously snatched away.
But then today, I'm back up and normal. We may make it to pay day without dipping into savings for the first time, owing to lower utility bills. So...rage successfully repressed.
I could deal with this whole situation so much better if I knew for sure it was only temporary. I'm happy to work 80 hour weeks and forgo an occasional trip to the movies temporarily. I'd do it cheerfully, even.
The trouble is, I keep reading stories about unemployment where different people are profiled. And almost always, the person who still hasn't found another job after months and months is someone just our age. Damn it, I just don't know if I can make it for the rest of my life without a vacation or even an occasional restaurant meal.
I've developed a little mental exercise, and it's quite the reverse of what most positive-thinker gurus would advise. But it does seem to make me feel better. I just go ahead and imagine the very worst: Mike and I--considered too old to start anew--never find better employment. When the college loan forbearances end next March, we still can't pay and have to default. We get a bad credit report, but then we don't plan to borrow any money anyway.
My daughter graduates in four years. Can I hold on four more years? Yes, I think so. We go totally through our savings. But at least my daughter is out of the house and doesn't have to suffer with us. The house would be paid off in another four. Can I make it to then? Maybe. If I can just shut my eyes and hold on tight for eight more years, I'll only be 61. Still young enough to have a little fun, if I stay healthy. In eight years, surely, surely something good has to happen.
Oh well. Back to work now.
Here's a virtual ride on a Vegas coaster to get me back in the mood.